| As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. | | | | rodeo event. |
| For distraction I called out, "Hey | | | | Unfortunately, telling a high |
| Kathy, put on another pot of coffee." | | | | maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they |
| Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging | | | | are all high-maintenance), "Ya aint's |
| my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle | | | | fer sures on that," translates as, |
| would not have distracted me. A | | | | "Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our |
| linguistic calamity was eminent. | | | | product." Following this with no offer |
| The hair on the back of my neck stood | | | | to expand your knowledge and assist the |
| up, then it ran from the room. I knew | | | | customers says, "We may be illiterate, |
| where Suzy was headed. Her speech was | | | | but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you |
| like watching a car accident. It all | | | | and have a nice day." |
| moved in slow motion. Every instinct in | | | | Tourists passing through this area have |
| me said tear the phone from her hand | | | | improperly translated another phrase. |
| before it's too late. But she had to | | | | "What chya doin?" is often |
| learn to properly communicate with | | | | misinterpreted as the rhetorical "What's |
| customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't | | | | up?" or "What's happening?" Sadly, that |
| let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy | | | | is not its meaning. "What chya doin?" |
| uttered the words, "We'll mam, I ain't | | | | literally translates as, "What are you |
| fer sures on that." | | | | doing?" Confusion on this matter is |
| Across America, English professors | | | | based on timing. |
| collectively wept. My mind locked. How | | | | "What chya doing?" is often asked when |
| could she have said it again? She had | | | | your activity could not be more |
| been with our company four months. | | | | blatantly obvious. For example: You're |
| Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, | | | | spreading cheese over flat dough topped |
| you're pretty funny, I sneered. | | | | with tomato sauce. Mountains of |
| Seriously, could her next words please | | | | pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger |
| be, "If you would not mind holding for | | | | asks, "What chya doin?" Heads up: They |
| one moment, I will find out the answer | | | | literally have not connected the dots. |
| for you." Ha! No such luck. | | | | Do not wisecrack, "Installing solar |
| The gods hate me. After an awkward | | | | panels." Before you know it, you'll be |
| silence (while the caller and I shared | | | | explaining how green peppers affect your |
| an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the | | | | hot water supply. |
| customer's order. Neither of them was | | | | Here in South Dakota low wages have |
| any wiser for the experience. I stepped | | | | brought in large numbers of Customer |
| outside to meditate. Would I have to | | | | Service call centers. Airlines, finance |
| fire her? I was not fer sures on that? | | | | companies, catalog sales, these types of |
| You hear many endearing phrases in the | | | | companies coagulate around Rapid City. |
| county. I find, 'a doins' quite | | | | Lately there has been a lot of concern |
| charming. Such as there's a doins at | | | | over competition from India. Apparently |
| Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, | | | | the population of India is highly |
| festivities will take place at Bubba's | | | | educated and enunciates in a manner more |
| residence this evening. | | | | understandable than that of South |
| 'Pert near' is fun. Linguists translate | | | | Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as |
| this colorful twist on grammar as | | | | the mother tongue, stand little chance. |
| meaning, 'almost' not nearby. As in, | | | | Still, there is a certain irony in |
| pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot | | | | residents of the Black Hills losing |
| been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, | | | | something to Indians. How many groups |
| almost everyone, except the new city | | | | will that statement offend? I ain't fer |
| idiot, was informed of the upcoming | | | | sures on that. |