Field Notes on Country Linguistics

As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. ForEquestrian (they are all high-maintenance), "Ya aint's
distraction I called out, "Hey Kathy, put on another potfer sures on that," translates as, "Hello, we are illiterate,
of coffee." Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging myso buy our product." Following this with no offer to
own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not haveexpand your knowledge and assist the customers
distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.says, "We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ranThank you and have a nice day."
from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. HerTourists passing through this area have improperly
speech was like watching a car accident. It all movedtranslated another phrase. "What chya doin?" is often
in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phonemisinterpreted as the rhetorical "What's up?" or
from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn"What's happening?" Sadly, that is not its meaning.
to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord,"What chya doin?" literally translates as, "What are you
I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzydoing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.
uttered the words, "We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.""What chya doing?" is often asked when your activity
Across America, English professors collectively wept.could not be more blatantly obvious. For example:
My mind locked. How could she have said it again?You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with
She had been with our company four months. Still,tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised
there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, Inearby. A stranger asks, "What chya doin?" Heads up:
sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, "IfThey literally have not connected the dots. Do not
you would not mind holding for one moment, I will findwisecrack, "Installing solar panels." Before you know it,
out the answer for you." Ha! No such luck.you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot
The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (whilewater supply.
the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceededHere in South Dakota low wages have brought in
to take the customer's order. Neither of them was anylarge numbers of Customer Service call centers.
wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate.Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types
Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately
You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find,there has been a lot of concern over competition from
'a doins' quite charming. Such as there's a doins atIndia. Apparently the population of India is highly
Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities willeducated and enunciates in a manner more
take place at Bubba's residence this evening.understandable than that of South Dakotans.
'Pert near' is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist onAmericans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue,
grammar as meaning, 'almost' not nearby. As in, pertstand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in
near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout theresidents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians.
rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new cityHow many groups will that statement offend? I ain't
idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.fer sures on that.
Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage