| People lie! They lie about the bliss of
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| | take two people. Even then CHETs are
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| rural relocation. They lie about the size
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| | hard.
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| of fish they catch. They lie about being
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| | Bats do not know they shouldn't fly
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| there for you. But, mostly, they lie
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| | around the blanket.
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| about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no
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| | The technique is rendered totally
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| one can admit the ugly truth. "Bats only
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| | ineffective when your husband, who is
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| come into your house. It never happens to
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| | suppose to hold the opposite side of the
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| me," friends say. Liars!
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| | blanket, does a "stop, drop and roll"
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| Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat
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| | every time he spots a bat from thirty
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| visitations have occurred regularly in
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| | yards away.
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| all three of my country homes. Each was a
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| | At night neighbors can see you, but not
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| different style house, in a different
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| | the bat. So there you are running amuck
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| town with different surroundings. No way
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| | in your PJs. The doors and windows are
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| am I the only person this is happening
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| | wide open as you spiraling over furniture
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| to! I'll believe the annual summer bat
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| | with your flag-like fabric in tow.
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| inundation isn't a part of normal life
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| | Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is
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| when butter is fat free and Smucky's
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| | having what is apparently some version of
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| Electric gets back to me with that wiring
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| | repeating epileptic seizures. And you,
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| estimate they promised just prior to the
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| | you cold-hearted witch, you just keep on
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| Mammoth die off.
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| | dancing.
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| One of my sisters in particular gets a
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| | Lesson 4 - BET Evolution
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| kick out of telling people I am a witch
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| | Bat invasion number three of year number
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| attracting bats to my home like anorexics
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| | two was a turning point for me. For some
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| migrating to the Cannes Film Festival.
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| | bizarre reason I was washing the morning
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| She does it to be ornery - a competitive
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| | dishes. We must have been out of coffee.
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| sport in my family. Of course, I could
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| | Obviously I was not quick-witted enough
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| get even by pointing out right here in my
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| | to get out of dish duty. Suddenly, I
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| very public essay that she is my OLDER
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| | heard the high-pitched chatter of a bat
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| sister by a DECADE. However, I am too
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| | straight over my head.
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| peaceable and well centered for such
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| | The space over my cabinets is where all
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| adolescent behavior. Besides, you are
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| | my gigantic jelly-making kettles are
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| here to learn another fine country skill
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| | poised. Grabbing the step stool, I
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| - the Bat Ejection Technique (BET).
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| | hovered near and listened. Something was
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| Lesson 1 - Why BET
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| | in my stoneware - dark, like a cave, the
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| Rural dwellers should all master BETs.
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| | crafty little bugger. Please, don't let
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| Realtors will never admit to the
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| | it get airborne. I have to go to town
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| Coloptera inundation plaguing the West.
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| | this morning, I thought. There was no
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| Property values would tumble! Amidst all
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| | time for the traditional CHET dance.
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| this denial, a seamy cover-up has formed.
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| | My cerebral light bulb clicked on. Hey,
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| Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are
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| | It's easier to catch bats when they
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| burned at country BBQs and members of the
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| | aren't moving. A Nobel Prize for would be
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| Society of the Dead Elk deliver bat traps
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| | mine. Apparently washing dishes has some
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| to farms under cover of darkness.
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| | net value after all. I slid a plate over
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| As my town's resident City Idiot, I chose
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| | the stoneware rim and took my captive out
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| to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught
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| | side.
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| to deal properly with winged rodentia,
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| | Plate removed, an upside-down shake and
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| both will suffer. Bats will be
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| | plop. The bat was on the ground. I
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| 'baseballed' into walls with brooms. If
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| | watched for a moment making sure my son's
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| not, Cidiot homes will overflow with
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| | devil cat did not turn up. Finally, the
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| wiggling blankets of screeching critters.
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| | bat orientated itself and flew off with
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| Folks will be driven back to the burbs in
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| | chatter. Dam, I'm good, I mused. Then I
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| droves. Quite selfishly - I need newbies
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| | turned and took two steps towards the
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| to stay in the country. Please don't
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| | door. Gasp! Leap! Curse!
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| leave me alone out here! Take notes.
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| | Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes
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| Lesson 2 - History of the BET
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| | took over. I went for a field goal.
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| For whatever reasons bats enter homes in
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| | Another bat had been in the jar. Curse!
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| pairs. My hypothesis is; one holds the
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| | Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos,
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| dog door open while the other flies
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| | always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my
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| through and vise versa. Attempts to
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| | foot - it was all to early. First dishes,
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| document this behavior have been hampered
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| | then this.
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| by the presence of innumerable dogs
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| | The traumatized bat landed several feet
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| kissing my eyes shut when I stake out the
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| | away. It took a good five minutes before
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| laundry room floor. Nonetheless, like
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| | the winged menace recovered enough to fly
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| bats to Noah's ark, they arrive by twos.
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| | off. Headed for town, I left a note for
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| Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors
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| | my son. "Finish the dishes."
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| dispelled unwanted intruders with the
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| | Lesson 5 - BET Mastery
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| pacifistic Zero Interference Technique
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| | I learned two things that morning. First,
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| (ZIT). For a true ZIT open all windows
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| | generic dish soap sucks. Second, a
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| and doors and cower on the floor waiting
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| | motionless bat is the best bat to catch.
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| for the bats to fly back out. I
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| | Chasing them in flight is a fool's game.
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| researched the effectiveness of this
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| | In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees,
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| method at my first country home. There
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| | had attempted to point this out earlier
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| are three problems with this technique:
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| | that spring.
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| Bats never leave as easily as they enter.
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| | Hearing one of the midnight riots, I
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| A person could learn Arabic before the
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| | ordered all my dogs out. There was no
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| ZIT clears matters up.
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| | need to look for the cause. I knew by
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| Heat leaves houses quite quickly
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| | then what the combination of barking and
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| resulting in cold ZITs.
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| | a synchronized chase meant at 1 a.m. Ho
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| Bats tend to turn up in the middle of the
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| | hum, more bats in the house. The other
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| night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side
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| | dogs complied. Sam however stood there
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| effect of ZITs.
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| | looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty.
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| Lesson 3 - Modernization
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| | Anyone who owns a Pyrenees knows this is
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| Athletic newbies frequently combine the
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| | their natural state. Just as I demanded,
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| open window/door approach of a ZIT with a
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| | "Samuel, go!" I spotted the diminutive
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| more proactive approach. They jump around
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| | little wing sticking out from under his
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| with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats
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| | massive front paw. Here Mom, a motionless
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| outside. This is the Comforter Herding
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| | bat is the best bat to catch. He is a
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| Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET
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| | genius!
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